Archive for July, 2010
A Family’s Guide…For Dummies
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A Family's Guide to the Military For Dummies
I suppose we have all read the military books on how to be a good spouse…have they helped? After awhile I gave up on how to books, I wanted to read something I could relate to a little bit better. I read some great books by some amazing mil-spouse authors. Then I came across a how to book that I just couldn’t pass up. Now bare in mind I am not being paid to write this but I thought it’d be worth sharing. A Family’s Guide to the Military for Dummies is a great resource.
Skeptical
I was definitely unsure about the book at first. How would people who right books on subjects all over the place know anything about military family life? What really drew me in was the fact one of the writers is Sue Hoppin, Military Spouse & Family Advocate. The foreword of the book is written by none other than Tanya Biank…that’s right ladies the author of Army Wives. I figured well if an army wife is supporting it & a military spouse is writing it then maybe it won’t be half bad.
Cheat Sheet
The first page of the book is a tear-out page called the Cheat Sheet. The Cheat Sheet has really good information for a quick glance instead of having to thumb through the whole book for that one little item you need. In Building a Successful Military Family the authors, “…boil it down to a few pointers that they want you to always remember…” (Cheat Sheet side 1).
- Be flexible!
- Respect each other’s dreams & goals.
- Manage expectations.
- Develop family rituals.
- Maintain an open line of communication.
- Take advantage of all opportunities afforded to you by the military.
- Remember that you are just as important to the mission as your service-member spouse.
Part IV: Mastering Deployment
Whether or not you buy the book the fourth part is definitely going to be one of the most helpful. We all wish we had that one extra day to spend with our husbands before they deploy but when the military says go…They go. In Mastering Deployment you will find four chapters dedicated to helping you as a family through the tough times. The part I am reading currently is Understanding the Emotional Cycles of Deployment. From pages 227-235 the book lays out different emotions we may or may not feel; everyone deals with deployment differently.
- Anticipation of Departure
- Detachment & Withdrawal
- Emotional Disorganization
- Recovery & Stabilization
- Anticipation of Return
- Return Adjustment & Renegotiation
- Reintegration & Stabilization
In Closing…
As spouses we need to remember that being a member of the Silent Ranks is like joining the world’s largest sorority. Our sisters are there for us no matter the time & no matter what we need. We need to learn to put aside our pride (we all know we have it) & use the resources given to us. A Family’s Guide to the Military for Dummies is not just another boring how to guide but an actual book that will break things down step by step from the easiest things you will face to the hardest. Give the book a try & remember when you are done with it pass it on to a new family.
“Do these jeans make my homecoming look big?”
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My phone rang…”This is your Family Readiness Officer, informing you that we have recieved a stop-mail date…”
It is the end of July and there is a light at the end of my deployment tunnel…I can’t send any more mail! Now comes what my Chaplain calls “The Four Horsemen”, “Will my husband have changed?“, “Have I changed?“, “Will he still love me?“, “Will he be supportive of the decisions I have made?“. These are the questions that plague us all when the reality of our loved one returning home (soon!) hits. Fortunately for me, I can answer the question, “Will he still love me?“, pretty easily. I have no doubts there! After our first deployment together of course we have both changed. I have become more confident, more independent, and I’ve discovered that I am, in fact, one tough cookie. I’ve also discovered many more recipes to pack back on the 29 pounds my husband has lost! With homecoming on the horizon I can’t help but think, “Will he like the new me? What if he has become a different person? Will he like the number in our bank account?“.
Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond excited for the buses to pull up and for my handsome husband to step his boots onto American soil again but homecoming is the one aspect of military life that civilians really don’t understand. There are hugs and kisses and balloons and a ride off into the sunset (all in slow-motion and with perfect lighting)…but when you’ve learned to live alone (or to be mommy AND daddy) sharing your home again can be stressful. I am very prepared for my eye to twitch when I find a pile of crumpled, dirty cammies on the bedroom floor (at least the first dozen times or so…) or coffee dripped on the counter. It’s unreasonable to expect the perfect movie ending to a long seperation. It’s kinda like breaking in a new pair of jeans. At first they can pinch in all the wrong places but after a couple weeks of wearing them you have that comfy worn in feeling and you don’t ever want to take them off.
When I ride in past the gate, park and stand with my “Welcome Home!” banner, I will be about to put on those brand new jeans….but I know soon enough they’ll be like a second skin. And then those “Four Horsemen” can ride off into the sunset alone.
Summertime on a Budget
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Summertime on a Budget
I have found in our family it isn’t hard to think of fun things to do in the summertime. What can be more difficult is finding free or low cost things to do with the kids. This is so important when you are on a tight budget!
My boys are 3 and 5 so good ages for getting out there and finding some fun things to do. Here are a few activities I have found for them.
Water Play
One thing we have done is taken them to a splash park/public fountain. It seems like most areas have at least one. The boys love this as they get to splash around in the water, keeping cool and having fun. I love it because it is free!
The pool is another fun, low cost thing to do. The pool on our Army post charges $2.00 per person, and if your kids are under 6 they get in free. So for our family of 4 we just pay $4.00 for a fun afternoon.
Movie Time
If you like to go to the movies you know how much it can cost. After tickets and any snacks you get, you have spent an arm and a leg. Some cities have free kids movies in the summer. They are ones that have been out for a bit but check with your local theater to see if they have anything like that in your area.
And if all else fails, pack a picnic lunch and head to the park.
There seems to be a lot of free and low cost things to do this summer. So take a look in your community and see what you can find! There is a lot out there 
My 4th of July
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There have been many times when the Marine Corps has handed me things in life that I’d like to hand right back while screaming at the top of my lungs and throwing a good ole’ fashioned temper tantrum. But my Independence Day celebration reminded me of a positive truth about this lifestyle. Since we all have the ability to concentrate on the negative aspects so well, I thought I’d share a small story that helped me re-discover the joy of this military life of mine.
I am a non-custodial mother that lives about 800 miles away from three of the most precious children you will ever meet. This means that for at least 46 weeks of every year, they go to bed without me tucking them in, struggle through homework without my help in solving the problems, and just live life without me present. It’s not the easiest journey, and you’ll often find me thinking about how it can possibly be changed, but to make a long story short, it’s the best that can be right now.
Over the past two weeks, my husband and I have been blessed to have all of our kids together under our roof. Blessed – and more than slightly chaotic! I drove close to 4,000 miles in less than two weeks to make this happen, so you’ll see immediately how very important it was to us to make this work. Their summer visitation this year is shorter than it should be thanks to frustrations with the ex, but at least it existed and the timing couldn’t have been more perfect.
On the 4th of July in a town like the one we are stationed in, one has to get a bit nervous about taking children out for the fireworks. We live in Virginia Beach, which is apparently the vacation capitol of the world, or something similar – and no one told us that when we moved here last fall. So, here we are with 4 kids and no desire to brave the masses to watch fireworks. And the Marine Corps moves in.
This is not a moment where the CO messes up every plan you had for pre-deployment leave, nor a time when paychecks are monumentally less than they should be, nor a 2 o’clock in the morning phone call that forces your husband from his bed. This moment came in the form of a man my husband serves with, just offering up his house and yard on a lake, complete with a barbecue and fireworks. The food was amazing, the company even better, and then came the magic.
I watched this young Marine – a new father himself – take my children to the lakeside, and carefully teach them about fireworks. He held the older ones as he taught them how to light one, laughed out loud as the youngest oohed and aahed over the beautiful colors, and once again restored my faith in the brotherhood that we are blessed to be a part of. In those simple acts, he taught my children what a real man is capable of when he sets his mind to caring for those around him more than for himself.
I hope you have a few moments that remind you of the beauty of this military life of ours.
Preparing for Deployment
Posted by: | CommentsPreparing for Deployment….
As I sit at my desk and start writing this blog, my husband’s combat gear, packed and ready to go, is sitting 10 feet from me. I loathe the sight of his flak jacket, Kevlar helmet and miscellaneous other gear that is designed to keep him alive because I know that means he is leaving us again soon. But, at the same time, I am thankful that he has this equipment to keep him safe.
Several different emotions and feelings come to the surface when he gets ready to deploy….anger, guilt, fear, apprehension, sadness and…PRIDE.
Anger and Guilt
Some days I feel ticked at the world because he has to go again. Then the guilt kicks in because I don’t believe I have the right to feel angry because he had already been in the Marine Corps for 6 years when we got married….I knew what I was getting myself in to…this is his job, after all, but the anger still rears its ugly head, regardless if I have the right to feel it or not.
Fear
The fear gets overwhelming at times…fear that he will be injured…or worse. I have to shut my brain off sometimes or my imagination will run away with itself and that is never good.
Apprehension
Will I be able to keep the home running smoothly and take care of the kids by myself? I KNOW I can, I KNOW I am capable…but some days I just don’t want to! I want my husband here to help with the day to day routine and chores of the home. I want him here to help with decision making. Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll make the wrong choice.
Sadness
It makes me incredibly sad to think of the life moments he is going to miss…3 of the 4 kids’ birthdays, first day of school, the entire fall and winter holiday season and our 12 year anniversary just to name a few.
Pride
Words can not really, truly express how proud I am of my husband and all he has accomplished in his 18+ years as a Marine and for stepping up to defend this wonderful Country we call home.
I’m not sure that Preparing for Deployment is an appropriate title for this blog because I don’t think you can ever totally prepare yourself for the roller coaster ride that is deployment. We just have to buckle our seat belts and hang on tight!
So, I am going to dig out my yellow ribbon and tie it around the old oak tree until he comes home to us….again.
My yellow ribbon tied around the oak tree in my front yard.
Independence Day 2010
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Fireworks illuminate the night sky aboard Naval Station Pearl Harbor during a 4th of July celebration.
Happy 234th birthday USA!
In 1776 the Founding Father’s declared independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain & started the most powerful nation in the world.
On July 4th, Declaration of Independence was adopted by the Continental Congress. Families across the nation will be celebrating today & each of them has their own way of spending the day. Some of us are thankful to be with our families while others are desperately missing our loved ones who are hundreds if not thousands of miles away.
History Lesson
Of course being a student of history, I have to give you a little history lesson. Today of all days we should remember that those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.
We are free because a few brave men stood up & said enough was enough. We would no longer live under the threat & fear of tyranny; our people can vote how they want & worishp how they want. Little do people know, however, is that John Adams predicted Independence Day to be the 2nd of July & not the 4th.
In a letter to his wife he wrote…
“The second day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable epoch in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be commemorated as the day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forever more.”
Tradition
Perhaps President Adams’ did not predict the date of our independence correct but he certainly got the celebrations right. The night sky will be lit up across America & the crack of the fireworks is just one of the many sounds of freedom in our nation. The children laughing & celebrating with their families is another.
While we sit down to our hotdogs & potato salad there are families who are missing loved ones on this important day. They are out there fighting to keep this land free. Our men fight on a front in a distant land with sand & fury filled battles. “We are the families who wait behind fight a war of silence. We rely on conversations we may never get to have or if we do they are only in our minds.” (alm 6/2010)
Finally…
We must remember that as our troops fight for us not all of them have families they are coming back to. Yes they have mother’s & father’s who wait for them to return but the single men are fighting for everyone. They have a different mission from the married man who is trying to make it through the war to return to his family. The single GI just wants to return period. The fight & willing put their lives on the line for us every day. No matter who they are they are always missed by someone. As we celebrate this weekend lets remember who is giving us this amazing celebration. Who the fireworks & potato salad is really for. “You ask me ‘What do you fight for?’ I point to my family & say ‘For them’. You ask me ‘Then what does the single man fight for?’ I point to the flag & say ‘For you.’” (alm 2006)
Thinking about Independence Day
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As we approach our Nation’s birthday, I am always reminded of the service and sacrifice of so many who have come before us. From the day that we adopted the Declaration of Independence in 1776 until today, brave men and women have served, sacrificed, fought, and died to preserve it. Freedom truly is not free.
Growing up, the Fourth of July was a fun holiday in my family. We would usually spend the day at the lake, cooking out, swimming, and swirling sparklers while we watched fireworks over the water. It wasn’t until I married a Soldier that this holiday – and so many others – evoked a different kind of emotion in me.
My first Independence Day away from my home country was spent at a Korean-American Rodeo in South Korea, where my Soldier was stationed. As I listened to the beginning bars of the Star Spangled Banner, I developed a lump in my throat and was moved to tears watching our flag fly, whipping in the wind. It was a special reminder to me of the many freedoms and privileges we have as Americans and a moment I will never forget.
In today’s military, Families have grown accustomed to living on foreign soil, enduring long separations from loved ones, and celebrating various life milestones alone or via email, video teleconference, or telephone. Sending a deployed parent a summary of significant events by letter or photo is commonplace and military kids are learning how to cope with a parent deployed. When a patriotic celebration occurs, it is all that much more significant in the hearts of these who currently serve.
I think, too, of the Families who have lost their service member in our ongoing fight for freedom. Gold Star Families – those who have lost a service member – are especially poignant in my mind on this day of celebrating the very freedoms they died to secure. These are today’s true heroes … and have given so much for a country that will remain eternally grateful.
So as I head to Fort Hood’s Freedom Fest this 4th of July – decked out in red, white, and blue and bringing with me all the family and friends I can gather – I will remember all those who have gone before us to make this day possible, and precious, in the heart of every American. Happy Independence Day!